Happy Birthday Joshua!

When I picture you in my head it is the you from a few years ago. It was the first time you met James. We're standing outside St. Mary's on a a beautiful Sunday morning after mass....

There is so much I want to tell you now. So much left to say. What we had went beyond the normal boundaries of "friendship" but it seemed to work for us. I had/have a serious case of "Hero Worship" when it comes to you Josh. I idolized you. You never could understand why because you didn't see yourself the way the rest of the world saw you. You were always telling me to be true to myself and to follow my heart, not just my head. But that was what you struggled with too. 

I know that you knew what you meant to everyone but I wish that you had truly believed that you were a vital and essential part of people's lives. That without you here things will never again be the same for many of us. 

There have been many times in the last 10 months that I have picked up the phone to call you and then realized that I couldn't. I know there they will be many more times in my life that I will want to call you for advice, to share something or just to hear your voice. 

In a letter you wrote to me in 1998 you said, "I'd just like to say thank you because you've taught me so much about people, and myself, over the years. You're probably one of the greatest friends I have ever had." - Right back at ya Joshie! 

There is a hardly a moment that goes by that you are not on my mind. Sometimes the realization that you are not here becomes so overwhelming it's hard to breathe. You were always so conscientious to the feelings of the people who loved you. I know that you never ever would have wanted to cause others so much pain. 

I hope that you are having a wonderful birthday with your loved ones up there. I know you and Pat are probably celebrating together. Would you kiss my new angel for me? It helps so much knowing that he or she is being held in the loving arms of you and my grandma. I love you Bubba. Always have, always will. Happy Birthday my love! 

xoxo, 

Nicole